I thought I was broken.
“I am a worthless wife if I can’t give my husband children.” This is one of the lies I was tempted to believe as I experienced my second miscarriage followed by the news that I had both genetic and blood clotting disorders. Both would not only increase my chances for another miscarriage but could also lead to my carrying a baby with a severe life-ending syndrome. Feelings of anger, isolation, low esteem, guilt, and anxiety were considered normal by the specialists treating me but there was more at work here than just feelings.
I realized that there was a root cause, negative thoughts which, when left unchecked, led to actions. Each of these feelings gave rise to its own negative attitudes such as low self-esteem because of my body’s inability to have children. This is a basic process, normal for every woman: the ability to bear a child, yet I could not.
Another emotion I experienced was anger that was silently directed at God. After all, if He truly loved me and really was good, He wouldn’t have denied my longing to be a mother. Instead of taking these thoughts and emotions to God, I shared them with everyone else. While they listened sympathetically, there was nothing they could do to soothe my soul. I finally came to realize this truth when I was utterly exhausted from trying to deal with it all in my own way. After such a long, unfruitful season of attempting to handle it on my own, I poured out my heart to the One who had made me.
I laid every negative thought and heavy emotion before Him, and in the truth of His Word, they were vanquished. I realized that I was loved, I was not broken, and I was not alone. My faith grew as each of these truths took root in my heart and displaced the lies. Every time they attempt to creep back in, I take them to my loving, Heavenly Father who reminds me again of who He is and who I am in Him.
The lessons I learned through this journey formed the beginnings of a blog that has now grown into a book called My Miscarriage. My desire now is to help other women who are facing a similar season as I did. I want them to know that there is hope and, with God’s strength, they can overcome the pain, frustration, anger and hurt because He loves them with an everlasting love.