At my husband’s funeral, we played “Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)”. My mom had to physically hold me up, but I raised my hands in worship.
I didn’t know how it was going to be okay, how this could possibly be in God’s plan for me. I didn’t know how I was supposed to keep being a nurse, when I couldn’t see an ambulance without having a panic attack. I didn’t know how any of it was supposed to work together for good. All (and I mean all) I knew in those days was Jesus.
My husband had shot himself in our apartment. I’d heard the shot on the other side of a wall.
Losing him this way made it feel like there was a hole in my chest. And for months, I couldn’t fathom going on for more than 15 minutes at a time.
Eventually, 15 minutes became 30. A little at a time, God started healing the hole in my chest and putting me back together. I moved sleeping from on a mattress in my mom’s bedroom floor to the sunroom in the home I’d purchased with my husband. I moved from the ER to the ICU. I made a friend there, who turned into my husband, who turned into the father of my beautiful son. I leaned into God’s urgings, and I’m now six months away from becoming a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner.
When I was severely struggling with anxiety, my first husband had said, “I love you and I want to help you, but I don’t have the tools to help you. And I need you to get help.”
Now, I’ll be that person with the tools to help. But for me, it isn’t just about treating mental illness. As a Christian, I can treat every person I see like a beloved child of God. I can help people who, like my first husband, were turned away by the church for “not having enough faith.” People who need help treating biological, painful, real issues with compassion and the love of Jesus. People who need to know that they matter, and that their presence in the world matters.
If you’re struggling with your mental health, it’s not about how much faith you have. Find a good therapist. Medication is not the enemy! Accept these things as good gifts from a God who loves you and doesn’t want to see you suffer.
If you’ve recently lost someone to suicide, I know right now it feels like you’re drowning. But you will learn to tread water. And, eventually, the water will begin to recede.
God never forsakes. He will rescue you from the mouth of the lion. He is at your side, giving you strength. He’ll get you through the next fifteen minutes, the next day, the next week, until all of our sorrows are healed in heaven.
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