Most of my life has spent hidden. Some due to circumstances and some due to personal actions.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother who was very abusive. The thing about that was that she was only that way at home. To the rest of the world outside of the walls of our home, she was a completely different human. She was loving and gifted and would go to any length to help someone. So as a child, when I would attempt to talk to extended family and friends about how my mother was to me and about my home life, they did not believe me because they could not comprehend that the woman they knew would be capable of something like that.
Eventually, I quit trying. And I just hid. I learned to develop coping skills and survival mechanisms to endure my situation. Part of this was keeping emotional walls up and keeping people at a distance. I had people in my life but the relationships were all very superficial and surface level because I could not be honest about the reality of my life. This seemed to work for the moment.
But the older I grew, even long after my mother had passed away, I began to realize that these things had developed dishonesty in me. I continued to keep people at a distance and only share partial truths about myself and my life with people. These became habitual things in my life. And because of it, I lived in hiding in a big way. I lived on the fringes of life, at a distance from the people the Lord set around me.
The enemy creeps in with sin and struggle and attacks hard where he knows we are weak in an attempt to take us out. Dishonesty and hiding created a myriad of problems in my life. And rather than do the hard thing of opening up and learning to be transparent and authentic, I continued to hide.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10 ESV)
At this point in my life, the Lord has exposed these root issues. He has shown me where they come from and has shown me that if I want to go where He wants to take me in my life, these things have to go. And I do want that. I want all of Him. I have learned that these root issues have even caused me to have mistrust with Him and withhold areas of my life from Him.
I want to know Him in His fullness. I want to know the freedom of full surrender of even the hard, hidden places. I want to have freedom and total security in Him. He is faithful and He is true. He knows all of me. It is a foolish thing to hold back from Him.
So this season of life is a rebuilding season for me. Getting my foundation in Him more secure. Learning to trust Him and depend on Him and fully allow Him to lead my life. It is a lot of unknowns and it is a bit scary. But I have seen enough to know that it will be worth it.
He is saying to me that it is time to come out of hiding and truly walk with Him in the unforced rhythms of grace. It feels like exposure. It feels uncertain. It feels scary, but I know it will be beautiful.
“For you are all children of light, children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness.” (1 Thessalonians 5:5 ESV)
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